"What I'm Thankful For"

I have always loved the holiday season. All the cooking, baking, decorations, nostalgic promises of a happy time of year have always resonated deep within me. Who can even pay attention to the grey sky when there's a twinkle of lights and tinsel to be seen? Who can be sad when everyone is gathered around a table laden with tasty treats and the knowledge that once dinner is over, I will be full of food, joy and happiness while surrounded with those I love?

One of my family traditions has always been on Thanksgiving, before we sit down to eat, we say what we're thankful for. Kind of like our version of saying grace. When we were younger, it seemed to be so simple. Thankful for family, parents, siblings, food. As I've gotten older, it's gotten harder for me to take my turn with this tradition. Not because I'm not thankful. I've been through a lot in my life, put those around me through a lot of crap, and every day I'm thankful for the people in my life. But how to put it into such simple phrases without rambling on? I'm always worried about forgetting something. 

I have noticed that with social media sites, first MySpace then Facebook, many of the people I follow do a "One thing every day I'm thankful for" between November 1st and Thanksgiving day. I think it's a good idea; I love seeing what other people are thankful for. I just don't understand how you limit it or decide what is important enough to share with others. Maybe it's because I talk too much, or use too many words to describe anything. At different points in my life there are things that have been more on my mind that I'm thankful for than others. 

I realize that the things I was thankful for as a child are still the base of what I'm thankful for today, but everything that falls underneath those things has more memories, thoughts and feelings behind each thing. I'm going to write them here, instead of a small blurb on a random page. 

The first thing I've always said I'm thankful for are my parents. I have always been thankful for them. Even those few years in my late teens and early twenties where I may not have understood or appreciated them as much, I was still thankful that I had them. Without them, I wouldn't be me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I wouldn't have the same life or be the same person without them. They have spent their entire life supporting me, in their own way, to be a good person. Whether or not they failed depends on who you talk to :P

The next big one for me has always been my siblings. It's funny, growing up, I couldn't ever imagine my life without them super involved in it. As an adult, I see that some of my friends rarely talk to their siblings, and see them more rarely. My brothers and sisters have always been there for me. No matter how much we argued, when someone needed TLC and support, we were always there for each other. As we've grown up and gone in different life paths, we have kept in touch. Even if one sibling was doing something that another one of us didn't approve of, we'd still be there for support. Sometimes, we even manage to hold in the "I told you so!"  I am so thankful for who they are as individuals and the bond we share together. They have been there for me when I've needed them, and have allowed me to be there for them as well. I'm also thankful that they have had children and blessed my life with 5 beautiful nieces. I love watching those adorable little girls grow! It reminds me of silly things I used to do with their mommies and daddies when we were their age. 

To me, my friends are the true reflection on how I am doing in my life. I have a solid, stable friend base full of wonderful people who love all the parts of me, and don't expect me to act or be a certain way other than myself. They are so caring and loving, I thank goodness every day that I have them to call as my friends. They are my other family. Every one of them has their own little quirks and I love them for it. 

I can't put into words how thankful I am for my husband. Even using all the sappy, cliche statements like he's my rock, my best friend, travelling companion, other half, etc, don't even come close. He's the reason I wake up smiling every day, reminds me of all my good qualities during the times I can't remember them. My life is stable, and good, and he's the reason why. He's helped me realize how happy I can be. He's imperfect, which makes him more perfect to me. He's a brilliant, loving man with a huge heart and keeps me grounded.

Along with the big things in my life, there's the normal everyday things I'm welcome for. The silly puppy who is always excited to see me and lets me know I need to pet her; the cats that sleep around my head and at my side; the silly ferret that runs sideways and makes children and adults alike laugh at his antics; the rain, the sun; my job, my car (who thought a station wagon would be the perfect fit for me!) happy movies, snuggling on couch with others, long car trips. The wonderful extended family I married into. The fact that I can work and also do my volunteer work; volunteering has always been my passion.

.... *sniffles* .... I'm starting to get all emo, so will stop for now. 

Introduction

This should have been my first post, but oh well. I'm treating this blog as more of a diary of sorts, so will set up the basics.

I am in my early 30's. Average height, slightly overweight, and love to smile. I am happily married to a wonderful guy who makes me smile and drives me nuts, many times at the same time. I have a roommate who is a nice guy, but doesn't have much of a social life; it's kind of like having a permanent teenager in the house, without the sleeping in til noon and having parties.

I am one of five kids, in fact, I'm the oldest. We used to joke about being one short of the brady bunch. It's amazing how differently we have all come out. I'm in a stable marriage, we just bought our first house, now talking about starting a family in the next couple of years. Since we currently have no children, and I'm currently unemployed, I do a fair amount of babysitting my nieces.

Next is my Brother. Lets call him ... Bullet. He likes fast things (like himself). He's in good shape, serious athlete. Likes cars, is part of a car club. His athletics and car are very important to him. He's been through a couple of nasty relationships, one was a marriage and a divorce within 2 years. He has a wonderful daughter from that relationship, but the mom moved out of state so he rarely sees her. Right after the divorce, he started dating another girl, she got pregnant and after she had the child, decided that she didn't want to be with him. So both "women" (trifling, drama full girls, not real women) use these children to control my brother. It's ridiculous. He's a generally good guy, works hard, is a awesome daddy to his baby girls. No, he's not perfect, but he's a pretty darn good guy. He's with a girl now, they're great together. He's actually going slower on this one, I have pretty awesome vibes. She has a baby girl too, so he's got three girls. The gf knows he's had a vasectomy so can't have any more kids and she is ok with that. Which was huge, because most girls under age 28 seem to want to get with guys they can have kids with.

Middle child is my sister. Over-achiever. Not in a bad way, but she is. She works full time at a place that she's worked at since she was a teenager, so about 10 years now. Has a gorgeous girl, and has also been going to school full time to earn her bachelors, which she will be getting next month. Because of her crazy schedule, I have watched my niece a lot these last 3 years. She's definitely a only child; has no qualms about letting you know exactly how she wants something. She gets along great with my husband, those two love to play legos together. She always has a bunch of questions about how the world works and loves to listen to him explain in detail. I love to look in my dining room, see the two of them sitting together at the table, a pile of legos in front of them, and my husband explaining about catapults then going into photosynthesis.

My brother, Lost, is next in the pecking order. I feel sad every time I think about him, and even more so on the few occasions I see him. He was always in trouble growing up. Serious trouble. My family says you could always tell when he was sick because he was the sweetest boy. It was like we got little glimpses into his potential soul, then he'd lock it back up again. The older he's gotten, the more dim that glimpse has gotten. I can't tell you the last time I've seen him truly smile with that sparkle in his eyes. I don't know where he lives, don't know his number, he's never been to my new house, or the home I rented before we bought this place. The reason? He's a druggie. Like hardcore self medicates. Brags about the drugs he does and how much he drinks. Which is a LOT. Pretty much the only thing he talks about are drugs or drama involved with people he hangs out with who do drugs. I have such a hard time looking at him know, can't believe that this is the same brother who I taught how to play chess until he was able to kick my butt. He joined the chess team at his school and did really well, because he's so FREAKING smart! One of those people that part of you feels that the smarts were completely wasted.

Lastly, there's the baby girl of the family. Oh, Lordy. Sum her up in 1 word? DRAMA. I love her to death, but, oh my goodness, she makes my brain swim any time we spend time together or talk on the phone. Boyfriend, friends, parents, family, all are cause for this one person whirling tornado. She decided upon graduating high school that she wanted to go to a state college. So my mom worked insane hours to pay for that. The whole family pitched in to help with things she would need to furnish her dorm room and herself for this. She lasted 1 term. My parents were having to drive the 40+ miles on at least a weekly basis to help her/save her from herself. She was always freaking out. About EVERYTHING. She did not have the skills to figure out meals, schedules, budgeting ... nothing. After the one term, she quit and moved back home with my parents. Then, after a month of that, she decided she couldn't handle living with my parents, so decided to go to community college about 20 miles away from my parents house. She didn't have a license, so found a room for rent. My parents paid for the deposit, rent and bills. Along with giving her money for food. That didnt work out, partially because she brought a dog into the house. So then she moved back in with my parents again. During this whole period, there was a parade of different boyfriends; we used to joke about "flavor of the week", couldn't keep up with them! She started dating one of her friends ex husband (see what I mean by drama) right around valentines day. He was in marines and lived in California. She decided after a month of dating that she was tired of living with my parents again, so took all of her money out of savings and bought a one way plane ticket to go live with him. I won't go into details, but they were couch crashing and moving around a lot and had no money ... They got married, then pregnant, then he deployed all in under 6 months. He came back for the birth, they all lived with my parents for awhile, Eventually they go their own place, which lasted 2 months then she moved back in with my parents. They got divorced one year after they got married.  I could go on about the insanity (will probably do so on another post) but lets just say for now that her patterns haven't changed.

So that's us. In a small nutshell.

Wandering thoughts on a sunny day.

I love the weather we have been having. Upper 80's to lower 90's, clear blue sky. I've lived in Oregon for over half my life, I have learned to love and appreciate the rainy weather which allows me to live somewhere with such luscious green and beautiful plant life. These beautiful sunny days seem to transport me back to my childhood days, warm sunny ones in outskirts of L.A. Close enough to the beach that on a warm day, mom would load me and the siblings up in the VW bus and take a day trip to the beach. Laying on warm sun, the planes with the interesting banners floating overhead. Running into the water to cool off. Digging for sand crabs with my brother and sister, then watching them swim in our little sand castle bucket. Nothing bad happened on days like that. Everyone was happy. Even though it still feels like a lifetime ago, a car ride on a warm sunny day, with the radio blaring, windows down, wind blowing through my hair has made me feel like I am happy and carefree, that everything is all good.

I'm glad for this sun, part of me feels like I really need the boost of carefree feeling. My life has been a serious tumble of events lately. Life has thrown so many obstacles my way, my head is still reeling from one thing before another comes my way. I think things have finally stabilized somewhat, but doubt that's going to stay that way for long. I start a new job next week. Good, because being unemployed doesn't agree with my sense of needing to be interacting with others. Training is from May-August so in that time I will be full time Monday through Friday. After that, I'm on call, so we'll see how that goes.